Is there nothing so stupid these days as the perpetual bombardment of “What You Should Know” lists about the opposite sex? You know, those bon-mots splashed across magazines such as Cosmo and Esquire, breathlessly promising to expose hitherto-unknown secrets to keeping the male/female in your life happy? And, after being assaulted by at least six different stences of perfume while fumbling to page 304, you find gigglers like “Men like blow jobs” and “Women love it when you wash the dishes.”

*face palm*

I thought I had seen just about all the silliness posing as sincere relationship help. Of course, we know what that means. Something even worse is waiting around the corner, waiting to pounce like a kitten in dark hallway.

Via yahoo.com comes a column written by a guy named Dave Zinczenko entitled “Dave Zinczenko’s Mysteries of the Sexes Explained.” Nice. Egoism and greater universal truths all addressed in the title.

I was hoping for an answer to why men feel the need to beat the crap out of each other moments after successfully completing a sports play. Sadly, it was only another expose’ on how to spoke those evil, cheatin’ menfolk. I thought we had this covered. Really. If he’s a secretive person who has never introduced you to his family or friends, never gave you his phone number, only meets you at certain times and insists on eating in dark corners, red flags should go off. Right? Newp…. sadly, I never considered that all-time cad: Charitable Guy. Yep, that’s right. If the guy you are dating is into giving to charitable causes, FOR GOD’S SAKE, RUN AWAY!

I’ll pause while you finish laughing. Here’s a tissue.

Honestly, I haven’t read a bigger piece of drivel since Paris Hilton’s diaries were published. Three of five signs are utter bullshit, one is questionable and the fifth, while true, is so insanely obvious, a three-year-old girl would say “Well, duh.”

Cheating Sign #1: He Doesn’t Pay His Bills On Time.
The reasoning behind this one is men who are reckless with their personal responsibilties are going to be just as reckless with their relationships. So, name me one single guy who honestly stays on tops of his bills each month WITHOUT the help of an accountant or his mother. Also, the writer making the broad, inaccurate sweep of saying “Not paying a bill on time” = “recklessness.” All of us have forgetten or simply haven’t had the money to pay that cable bill from time to time. This does not a Don Juan make.

Cheating Sign #2: He’s a Do-Gooder.
Not only is this so stupid I nearly spit my drink on my monitor, the writer doesn’t back it up. The explanation offered:

A study just published in the November issue of the Journal of Applied Psychology found that when there’s a blurry line between right and wrong (as there often is with matters of infidelity), the people who become the worst cheaters are actually the ones who think of themselves as having the highest moral standards.

Why? The speculation is that these people can justify their wrongdoings with explanations that they weren’t doing anything wrong at all.

Okay, nice bit of information but it doesn’t make his point at all. So, I’m just going to continue believing any man who takes a moment to donate that extra buck to a charitable cause is at least decent and not trying to clear his conscience of cheating on his girlfriend by banging three women at an outdoor orgy the night before.

Cheating Sign #3: He’s Rolling in Dough
If one thing my dating past has taught me, a guy who lives month to month and can only afford a beer and bus fare is just as likely to bang that skanky blonde behind your back as those who burn money in the fireplace because it looks pretty.

Cheating Sign #4: He’s a Yeller
Boy, I can sleep better tonight having been educated on this point. *snort* I mean, wow. Because the majority of us women didn’t know the only reason a man should be yelling at you is if you’re on a ship at sea, it’s on fire and he can’t find you. And, remember, just because he yells doesn’t mean he’s cheating. He could just be an asshole.

Cheating Sign #5: He’s a Mirror Hog
On the face of this, it’s obvious and to be lumped in with point number four. However, I hate to burst the theory, but I live with man who actually looks in the mirror more than I do. It’s not because he’s hopelessly in love with his face, but the man actually cares whether or not his collar is straight and his pants haven’t gotten too tight before he leaves the house. I, on the other hand, hope I match and everything is covered.

What’s even more mind-numbing is the writer continues to reference similarly enlightening articles from Men’s Health, including one laugh riot titled “The 50 Things She Wishes You Knew About Her.” Just for the record, I don’t believe driving a stick shift is the test of a real man, buying me new shoes will NOT get you out of the doghouse, I don’t think less of man who doesn’t lead me around and I do NOT want to be Madonna.

And, I still want to know why men beat the shit out of each other after a touchdown.

*bimbles off*

Coby: Just back away slowly and no one gets hurts.

For more cat bloggy goodness, visit the Friday Ark today and the Carnvial of the Cats on Sunday.

*bimbles off*

Pica: It’s mine because… because… I’m bigger. No, wait.

For more cat-bloggy goodness, visit the Friday Ark today and the Carnival of the Cats on Sunday.

*bimbles off*

You see, my dear children, a long time ago there was a holiday called Thanksgiving that fell between Halloween and Christmas. Tradition ties it to a meal shared in 1621 between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag. According to paintings and stories, the two groups ate in harmony and thanks. Everyone present, it appears, was well behaved and agree the corn was cooked just right. After that first meal, Thanksgiving was celebrated in some form or fashion in the colonies, until it was made a national holiday in 1863.

So, what happened to this dear holiday, you ask?

By the middle of September, stores started pushing the latest cartoon character costumes and candy jumped to $4 per ounce. And, because the holiday was based on an ancient remembrance of the dead, yammering would start on the airwaves and at the water coolers on whether or not begging for candy will send some poor child’s soul straight to hell. Meanwhile, children simply got cavities and sugar rushes.

Then, on November 1, all traces of Halloween were swept away and stores decorated in red and green. There were no less than 40 variations of “Jingle Bells.” Trees, lights and garland were bought not in the weeks before Christmas, but in the MONTHS before. Cards and wrapping paper took up aisle upon aisle and you couldn’t move in a mall without getting assaulted by a clerk trying to sell perfume.

Meanwhile, the fringe elements on both sides argued ad nauseum on whether or not saying “Merry Christmas” constituted an insult at school. God and Jesus’ names are bantered around a lot, without much thought as to how they might feel about the whole thing. No one could agree on anything except stuff had to be bought and mailed, after standing in a line that you used to only see at a Rolling Stones concert. Oh, and parking sucked a lot.

And, we, as a nation, are probably a little bit less because of it.

Sweet smokin’ jesus and the mother mary…. I just heard on the radio that a local mall will open Friday at…. brace yourselves…. 1 GODDAMNED A.M. That’s one hour after midnight. 1 A.M.! JS told me yesterday JCPenny made the decision to open its stores at 4 a.m. And, according to this news story by ABCnews.com, a chain of retail outlets in Las Vegas will be open Thanksgiving Day. The story indicates some stores are opening at more “traditional” hours. You know, 5 a.m.

*blinks helplessly*

Are we, as a nation, so fucking CONSUMED with getting our fair share of discounted shit that we have to buy a sweater at the time of night that used to be reserved drunks staggering out of bars and into Dennys? I mean, what is so important you HAVE to have it at 1 a.m., other than an emergency room doctor if a limb is spurting blood?

As consumers, we can only heap the blame on retailers for so long. They may be opening earlier every year, but I’ll guarantee you, those stores will be full. And, who’s fault is it then? Lines outside of Circuit City snaking around the block, drivers testing their insurance limits in the parking lot and bleary-eyed, minimum-wage employees inside screaming “This is not a drill, people! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!”

And, what’s the holidays, really, without those traditional stories of shoppers getting literally run over for discounted computers or people being hauled out by security because they started a fight over the latest pop tart’s CD? Warms the heart, it does. Really brings home the whole meaning of the season.

You know what the war on Christmas is? It’s not the tripe vomitted up each year by so-called christians determined to have a cross parked on the city hall lawn and the words “Happy Holidays” banned. The real damage comes from not being able to pass along the spirit and intent of the holiday to your children because you are so busy arguing with the clerk at Best Buy over the price of an iPod at 3 a.m. – with those same children standing next to you.

*bimbles off*

Wow… nothing creepier than being the only person left in your office the afternoon before a holiday. I mean, zero people in here. There’s still some people in the building, but our office space is closed off, so I don’t hear anything.

CREEEEEPEEEEE

Me, the security team downstairs and JACK FM are working it until 5 p.m.

*bimbles off*

On the up side, it is less than a week before Thanksgiving and there is not a Christmas light/sign/sled/animal/Santa/snowglobe/singing reindeer in sight on my street.

Perhaps there is a god.

*bimbles off*

After surviving without insurance for nearly a year, I was served another reminder of our country’s fucked medical system this week as my friend KN was placed in the hospital due to complications arising from surgery to her elbow. For a week.

I won’t grind out the details, just please keep her and her family in your good thoughts and prayers.

Also, Army of Mom’s mother had surgery to repair a heart valve yesterday. She’s doing well, but another request from yours truly to keep AoM and her family on the same good fairy dust list.

*bimbles off*

Pixel: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

For more cat-bloggy goodness, visit the Friday Ark today and the Carnival of the Cats on Sunday.

*bimbles off*

Pica demonstrates the Spread Toes, Foofy Belly pose.

For more cat bloggy goodness, visit the Friday Ark today and the Carnival of the Cats on Sunday.

*bimbles off*